In Praise of Antiseptic Films Part I: When Cousins Marry

We continue our look at Antiseptic Films with part I.

Have you ever been to a family reunion, sat across a picnic table from a cousin and thought to yourself, "Damn.  I'd like a piece of that?"  Hopefully not, because 1954s WHEN COUSINS MARRY paints a bleak picture of what life would be like if one would act on that familial sexual curiosity.

PLOT:  Jack and Joan, adult cousins, reconnect for the first time in over a decade at the funeral of another cousin. Over coffee, they discover numerous shared interests and begin meeting regularly.  Not long after, they share their first kiss, which evolves into engaging in actions deemed inappropriate for relations. They find a back-alley justice of the peace that marries them, for ten dollars and a bottle of rot gut, enabling them to embark on a new life together.  However, cracks soon emerge in their relationship—frequent arguments, excessive drinking, and erratic, irrational behavior.  Joan discovers that she is pregnant, but after consulting a doctor, they find out that their baby has a strong chance to be born with some sort of defect.

Headquartered in Chicago, Antiseptic Films was operated by Theodore Plum, whose uncle directed one of the earliest silent film shorts to be screened in a theater, "Man Hitting Nail with a Hammer" (1905). That same uncle later directed one of the first sound film shorts, "Man Missing Nail with a Hammer, Striking Thumb and Screaming" (1924).

Antiseptic Films would often pair WHEN COUSINS MARRY, with TROUBLED TEENAGERS (1955), a film portraying a gang of leather-clad teenage girls wreaking havoc on their peers, educators, parents, and community.  

Additionally, the lineup would include HIGHWAY HELLIONS (1956), which depicts a motley group of bored youths drawn into the world of car chopping by a corpulent, cigar-smoking Fagin-like figure.  

Another supporting feature was LOVERS VICE: ON THE ROAD TO HELL (1950), a film exploring the various vices that can destroy lives, such as premarital sex, drinking, gambling and marijuana use.

WHEN COUSINS MARRY is nothing but to the point.  It wallows and delights in providing the many pitfalls of inter-family marriage.

Antisceptic would present it as a road show attraction, renting out a theater for a weekend, advertise heavily and typically rake in the cash.  Then blow out of town and onto the next.

In some advertising Antiseptic Films would offer free admission to those cousins that wanted to watch the movie together. 

A big portion of each nights take would come from the selling of a pamphlet to the movie patrons.  In between features, E.G. Banks, an "expert in sexual deviancy", would address the crowd. . . 

We hope that you enjoyed our first feature, LOVERS OF VICE: ON THE ROAD TO HELL.  We also hope that you learned a thing or two about the dangers of vices.

Before we return to our program, I’d like to speak to you about the theme of our main feature, WHEN COUSINS MARRY.  

For the price of a can of instant coffee, you can leave the theater tonight with a font of knowledge in your hands.  A small, handy booklet, bound in phony leather, to be read in the comfort of your home, the park or potentially and most important, the next family reunion that you attended.

The booklet also contains real case studies and interviews of those that have married their cousins, - and even one man who married himself, accidently.  I must warn you that their tales or of a highly provocative and of a sexual nature.

Temptations are all around us.  Sexual temptations are even more powerful than those of alcohol, tobacco and gambling.  These temptations should not be dismissed offhandedly and placed aside in a small dark place, please don’t take these urges lightly.

Antiseptic Films has consulted with experts in the field of sexual indecency and have gathered the most up-to-date information.  Please keep in mind that the case studies and photos contained are of an adult nature . . . These booklets are not intended for juvenile eyes or minds.

We will now have handlers come around the theater to sell this booklet, if you are interested just raise your hand.  

There are actually two booklets.  The beige one is for those of you who are not married to a cousin. The price is a very reasonable $1.00 and this is just to cover the printing and shipping costs.

The second, red booklet, is for those people in the audience who are married to or are thinking of marrying a cousin.  These red booklets are priced at $1.50.  The additional fifty cents are for discretion.  Reading these booklets can spare one a lifetime of shame and torment.

Although it is normal to be attracted to a family member- I myself was smitten by a heavily bosomed aunt on my father’s side when I was a young man- But it is immoral to act upon these attractions.

What are some of the pitfalls that married cousins will face?

Public scorn.

Being ostracized from your family.

The chance that their offspring have a much higher chance of developing mental and physical impairments and genetic defects, that would ostracize them and lead them to a lonely, desperate life, knowing that their parents are cousins.

Children born mute, blind and disfigured.  Children born with missing digits . . . or extra digits.  Children born with only one nostril.  Children born with bug eyes.  Children born with pin heads, or abnormally large heads.  Children born with two belly buttons, no belly button or in one documented case . . .  a belly button, located smack dab in the center of the forehead.  Children born with no sense of smell, taste or direction.

And some of you may ask. . .  Is there less of danger in marring a second or third cousin?

Well, let me assure you that in the eyes of the lord, the law and society . . . that it most assuredly is.  When your family tree does not fork, it should be chopped down, its roots removed from the soil, never to grow again, no matter how much sun and water are available.

The booklets will go much more in-depth than I can today.  

Unfortunately, no complete copies of the pamphlet exist.