The history of the film industry is replete with remarkable underdog narratives featuring ambitious, diligent aspirants driven by a thirst for success and dreams of stardom. These accounts unfailingly serve as a wellspring of hope for future generations of artists.
Today we present one such tale of an actor who had the drive, pluck and raw talent to overcome all
the obstacles that were thrown at him by a callous business to achieve his goal
and become a motion picture actor. . . Plus, we should mention that he was hung
like a horse.
Or, at
least, those were the rumors that were going around.
Though, he did win a three-legged race by
himself, so there is that.
Max Caine
always wanted to be respected by his acting peers and other professionals in
the movie industry . . . especially key grips.
Above all, Max wanted to be remembered when he was gone. He wanted a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. When he first arrived in Hollywood, off the bus from Osage, Iowa, like many visitors, the first thing that he did was get mugged, but the second thing that he did was to go to Grauman’s Chinese theater to look at the stars hand. footprints and signatures-and to pick up some egg fu young. Max would return often over the years and dream that one day his signature would grace the theater’s sidewalk. He would also compare the star’s shoe sizes with the size of his penis.
His schlong won out every time.
Before we move any further, we should point out that this post will not contain any salacious tales of Caine's prodigious manhood, sexual conquests or "size contests" with Uncle Milty. . . but he did brandish his penis as a weapon on a few occasions.
With rugged good looks, chiseled features and a deep baritone voice, he was a natural to be cast as a tough guy in war films.
The first was MCCREADY'S BOYS (1966), where he played, Mert, an underwater demolitions expert.
PLOT: A ragtag team of Allied operatives is assembled for a near-suicidal mission deep behind enemy lines. Hand-picked by Colonial Lance McCready, the collective dubbed "McCready's Boys", originally as an insult, proves their worth when all is said and done.
Another WWII era war film followed, 1967's NIGHT OF THE BIG PUSH aka THE LAST PUSH aka ONE MORE CHANCE TO DIE.
PLOT: To secure victory in a battle, a resentful colonel orders his platoon to launch a final assault against an enemy possessing vastly superior manpower and weaponry.
In 1972 he appeared in two episodes of the short-live horror anthology series, TALES OF THE EXPECTED, which was canned after one season, as anyone with half a brain could easily figure out the twists at the end of every episode, as none were original or surprising in the least. So, at least the show did live up to its title.
His two episodes were, THE BUTLER DID IT, in which the butler did do it, and TICKLE ME DEAD, which actually has an opening crawl at the beginning that gives away the ending.
It took a few years for his next movie role in 1973. Caine appeared as a cop in the Australian/American co-production THE WHITE SIX.
PLOT: Six Ausie cricket players are in Chicago to demonstrate their sport to Americans. During a night on the town, they run afoul of black mafiosos.
Caine's next role was as a disgraced boxing trainer who guides a street fighter with promise, to success on the bare-knuckle fight circuit.
A nice dramatic turn here from Caine, who has strong chemistry with Moses Bassett. THEY CALLED HIM BLACK LIGHTNING (1974) eschews the more exploitive elements for a more realistic approach.
LDR Films hastily rereleased it under the title. BLACK ROCKY, to try to capitalize on the enormous success of ROCKY (1976). This was quickly pummeled to the canvas when United Artists caught wind of play dates under the new moniker. LDR then briefly considered releasing the film under the title, THE BLACK STALLION, but wisely decided against it.
Caine's final film was the 1977 police thriller DEATH WHISTLED DIXIELAND.
PLOT: Jazz legend Al Hirt plays semi-retired detective Remy Beaugard, born and bred in the Crescent city, Beaugard spends most of his time leading a Dixieland band (all ex-criminals), playing in the French quarter. He is called in on occasion to help out with the tough cases. DEATH WHISTLED DIXIELAND is filled with car chases, punch ups and Al Hirt doing what he does best . . . Beating the living shit out of the bad guys . . . I mean, blowing his trumpet. Max Caine plays, Bourbon Street Benny, a street busker and informant that aids Beaugard in taking down the bad guys.
Best scene: When Beaugard questions a defiant perp, he blasts a very loud version of "Java" in his ear to get the answers he needs. Beaugard walks away with a vital clue, leaving the perp limp, with two bloodied ears.
Caine had been a model train enthusiast since his youth. He would always have large, intricate railways meticulously
designed and built by himself at all his houses.
Things took a turn for the worse when his wife left him to be a groupie for Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.
He attempted suicide three times. . . twice by taking an overdose of pills . . . Then a third time he got drunk and threatened to lay down on the tracks of his miniature railroad. Luckily, the injuries sustained when the HO Scale Sante Fe Band Drive Diesel train struck his arm were minimal.
Max Caine did pass away from natural cause in 2014
In the end . . . He did get what he always wanted.
Sort of.
